Yesterday at work, I decided to teach a human anatomy class with Hugo as my subject. While most people are comprised of organs, Hugo is comprised of tortillas. Being the pervert that he is, he couldn’t help but refer to one part of his own anatomy as “Filet Mignon.”
Cabeza de Mierda
The other day at work, I noticed Hugo was not wearing his standard-issue bandanna. Instead, he had replaced it with some sort of makeshift diaper. I fear that his newfound celebrity has warped his fashion sense.
Professor Hugo
The other day at work, I found out that Hugo is really a hipster at heart. He decided to lose the contacts and kick it old school with some rad bifocals. He has a masters in dishwashing, and a doctorate in looking good…
Hola Gringas
It’s no surprise that Hugo has plenty of female fans, so he thought it’d be nice to say hello to all of them. It’s unfortunate that his giant ego got in the way, because if not, maybe he would’ve been able to prevent the mess he’s about to create…
Hot Air Balloon
Yesterday at work, Hugo, like usual, was in the kitchen doing absolutely no work. Instead, he was telling jokes to the rest of the staff. When I showed up, he told me a different joke: It was about his stomach exploding if anyone touched it. See if you can translate…
Kung Fu Hugo
Today at work, I noticed Hugo was balancing in a very dangerous position. Concerned for his safety, as per usual, I shook his leg to make sure that he was sturdy. He confidently told me that he was like “Spider-Man.” One of the other Cooks disagreed.
Hugo El Easter Bunnyo
Since I was off on Easter Sunday, I decided to bring some holiday cheer into work on Monday. Instead of delivering plates to Hugo by hand, I carried them to the back in this fashionable Easter basket…
I was shocked to find that Hugo, for the first time in months, was actually washing dishes! He scolded me for interrupting him, claiming that he was “busy.” I left the Easter basket in his designated area, and the next time I saw it, it looked like this…
El Sparo Tire
Today at work, and like everyday at work, I caught Hugo “snacking” in the kitchen. As I pointed out his “problem areas,” I noticed that Hugo’s waist line is the epitome of a “spare tire.” To my dismay, he seemed indifferent towards my concern for his physical fitness.
Platos No Bueno
Today at work, I heard a loud crashing noise in the kitchen. I tried to cough loudly so my customers would not notice, but when they asked what just happened, I was forced to investigate. It was no surprised to me that Hugo was the culprit.
Hugo El Leprechauno
Luckily on St. Patrick’s Day, I did not have to work. Unfortunately, Hugo had no such luck. Even though Cinco de Mayo is more his style, he still showed up glowing with holiday spirit.
Hugo El Narco
Everyday at work, Hugo goes into the back alley to throw away empty produce boxes. And everyday, to ensure the safety of our guests, I lock the door behind him. Hugo uses his quick wit and boyish charm in an attempt to trick me into thinking our Boss is behind me. I guess it’s just another day in the life of El Puerco Chismoso.
Baboso Famoso
Today at work, I saw Hugo doing some prep work in the back. As usual, concerned for his health, I commented on how “tortillas tend to become lodged in the stomach region.” Hugo ignored my advice and retaliated by calling me a “Baboso,” which is one of his most famous comebacks. It means something to the extent of “Drooling Retard.” My feelings were hurt, but no love was lost.
Hugo El Baker
A few months ago at work, I showed up in the morning only to discover a new display full of pastries. I was excited to find out that if anything was leftover by the end of the day, we could take it home. When Hugo arrived, I shared with him the news, figuring he would be ecstatic. I was shocked to find him looking disappointed, so I demanded an explanation…
Hugo: ”Fack mehn, mass trabajo por mi wey!”
Turns out, not only is Hugo the Dishwasher, he is now also the Baker.
Wet Zapatos
A few days ago at work, I noticed Hugo’s shoes were dirty. Being the amigo that I am, I took it upon myself to help clean them. Hugo was bit ungrateful, to say the least.
Chilaquiles Por Gordo
Today at work, I saw Hugo eating something very familiar. After I explained to him that eating “Huevos Rancheros” everyday will not help him lose weight, he explained to me that “Chilaquiles” is not the same thing. After further inspection, I find that hard to believe.
Free Trabajo
Today at work, a customer dropped a coffee press on the ground. Since I don’t know how to use a mop, it was a good thing Hugo got to work early and saved the day. Unlike all Americans, Hugo the Dishwasher is not afraid to work “off the clock.”
No Dinero
Today at work, it was expectedly slow because every deadbeat in LA, myself included, is broke the day after rent’s due and can’t afford to eat anything other than canned tuna. I told Hugo that I only had $4 left in my bank account. In true Hugo fashion, he decided to One-Up my poverty level by showing me this:
El Onionos Ringos
The other day at work, we had a photographer come in to take pictures of our food for a magazine. This was a very auspicious day because we got to eat all of the food afterwards. There were ribs, pastas, salads, sandwiches, and many other hearty options. I saw only one deep-fried item; it was no mystery when it went missing.
Batter Up
Today at work, I saw Hugo preparing cornbread batter in the kitchen. I threatened to contaminate it but hovering my hand above the mixture. Before I realized it was actually just leftover batter, Hugo had already smashed my hand into it. Since he outsmarted me, I gave him a congratulatory pat on the back.
Ice Ice Hugo
Everyday at work, Hugo leaves his designated dishwashing area and comes out front to get ice. He uses this ice to chill certain foods that he has prepped. Since his time is precious, I try my best to help him fill his ice tub as quickly as possible.
Huevos Rancheros
Yesterday at work, I saw Hugo chopping peppers in the back. I decided to be courteous and ask him if wanted anything to drink. Expectedly, he did. You know the saying: “Only in America does someone order a Big Mac, Large Fries, and a Diet Coke.” Well, apparently that’s not only in America…
El Guapo Fuerte
A few months ago, a lady friend of mine sent me a very nice picture of herself. I respected her discretion the best I could, but of course I had to show Hugo. He was very grateful and wanted to return the favor, so we sent her this:
Dedos Locos
Everyday at work, Hugo and I say hello by giving each other the middle finger. When this ritual first began, I noticed his was a bit crooked. He explained to me that he slammed a window on a few of his fingers several years back. I nicknamed him “Crazy Fingers,” or in his native tongue, “Dedos Locos.”
Good Morning, Puto.
Everybody has a routine that helps get them through the day; I am no different.
El Puerco Chismoso
About a month ago at work, the lady next door dropped off a box of donuts for the kitchen staff. Naturally, I wanted to try all of the donuts. But being the unselfish person that I am, I did not want to eat every single donut. So instead, I just took a tiny bite out of each one, you know, to make sure that the rest of the staff would not be left donutless. Hugo saw me doing this and then narced me out to the cooks, who mistook my unselfish act for something less favorable. So since then, I have dubbed him “el puerco chismoso,” which roughly translates to “the gossiping pig.” This was his response:
